Those of you closer in net-land know that earlier this month, we very unexpectedly lost my Mother, Barbara.
She had an accident at home, falling off a ladder and hitting her head, very hard. She passed away from these injuries 2 days later, with almost all of her loving family visiting with her, coming and going, on that last day. Sadly, a few couldn’t make it, but they loved her all the same.
The funeral was the following week, and it was simply beautiful. Many warm words were spoken and she would have loved it all.
As I was working in the kitchen this morning, I prepared an enormous blog post, about Mum, and me, and everything in between. However, now the time has come to type it, it slips away between my fingers like sand. Now is not quite the time, not yet. Soon. Maybe.
Things have been extremely disjointed around here. People keep referring to “when things get back to normal”. I hate to tell them this, but there is no more normal. There will be a new normal, that we as a family have to forge for ourselves, but the old normal is gone forever. And I think it’s this seeking for balance, for equilibrium, that is making us struggle so much at the moment. A little shift this way, a longer move that way, and things start tilting wildly again. Quick, stand very still, let it all wash over you, and then start again with a little shift in another direction. Emotion washes over you, memories do. Possessions, now needing to be sorted, and discarded, tangible rememberances. In-tangible ones, only in your head. Feelings, held back, feelings spoken. Trying to support everyone else, but to grieve yourself also.
Spinning out of control.
I will be back, at some point. But right now is the time for my family, and for me. For making lists and working through them, to give me some anchor for each day. For muddling around on my hard-drive and not achieving much of anything. But I will return. I’m just not sure who I will be when that happens….